


Journal of Pains

by jeonjangmi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Diary/Journal, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:28:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22311745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeonjangmi/pseuds/jeonjangmi
Summary: Kwon Soonyoung loved her deeply and he was sure she did too. So why? Why was he left bearing the pain alone with only a journal listening to his woes.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Original Character(s)
Kudos: 3





	Journal of Pains

_Entry #1_

_Wounds are fresh yet I don't want to tend to them yet. I still can't believe that this love of ours have come to a devastating end._

●●●

_Entry #2_

_I tried calling you for the nth time._

_You answered._

_I was happy._

_You shouted at me._

_I'm sorry._

_Please forgive me._

**●●●**

_Entry #5_

_I saw you today. My wounds are starting to get infected again. It felt like my heart was getting ripped apart once more._

●●●

_Entry #7_

_It's been a week. The wounds are not healing at all._

_Hey, you're still there right? We can still be together right? Tell me this is all a dream. Please. I'm begging you._

●●●

_Entry #8_

_I need you. I want you. Please come back to me. Please._

●●●

_Entry #17_

_I looked at your recent photos. You seem to be laughing already. Am I that insignificant? I'm sorry. I still can't bear this pain right now. I miss you so much._

●●●

_Entry #23_

_It's been almost a month. Am I healing? Honestly I don't know. I still don't want to let go of you._

_Oh? They're re-opening again. Only you can mend it my love._

●●●

_Entry #35_

_Hi? It's been a more or less over a month. I still miss your presence by my side. Very much._

●●●

_Entry #64_

_It's been two months. I'm recovering (?) Hahahahaha. I'm still quite unsure myself to be honest. But I do think I'm getting better._

●●●

_Entry #77_

_For the first time in almost two months, I looked back on that day properly. I still can't believe you dumped me on our anniversary. I was so happy that day too. I held your hand tightly as we stood in the middle of the park where we first kissed yet you suddenly let go. Without any explanation, you told me it was not working anymore._

_My heart immediately dropped and my tears fell. You had the coldest face that I had ever seen you wear as you returned the ring I gave you before leaving me alone then and there. Up to this day I still wonder why._

_Hey, tell my why?_

●●●

_Entry #78_

_I feel like an idiot. Why did I have to go and re-open these supposedly healing wounds? There they go. Exposed and bleeding once more._

●●●

_Entry #93_

_I went out and had fun with friends after such a long time._

_That was a mistake._

_I saw you hand in hand with another guy I've never seen before. So soon huh? Three months later and you already have another guy. Was he the real reason you left me? It hurts yet I feel my blood boiling. I guess he was better than me in your eyes._

_I didn't know you were that type of girl._

●●●

_Entry #119_

_I stalked your SNS again. Saw your pictures with that jerk. Are you that happy beside him? Does he love you more than I do? Are you happier with him more than you were with me?_

_I'm much more better than him. For sure I'm also funnier. More handsome. I know that I care about you more than he does. I love you so much more. I'm above him in so many aspects. But why? Why are you by his side and not mine?_

●●●

_Entry #184_

_It has been over six months since we broke up. Ever since then, I kept calling you to try and get back together. You rejected it as you shouted at me every single damn time._

_That's it._

_I'M TIRED._

_I give up._

_I also heard you didn't last long with that guy I saw you with. I guess you really did have attitude problems. Maybe I was just too in love to see that before but right now, I know it for a fact. If he has left you then it must be the most solid proof._

_Goodbye, love._

_You shall forever stay as a bittersweet memory from now on._ _It is now time to fully close these wounds of mine._

●●●

_Entry #252_

_Your friends are calling me. I don't get any word they're saying. They keep telling me to come see you. What's the use? After all this time they tell me to come back to you? What do they take me for? A fool? Think again! I'll never come back even if they beg in your place. You haven't even explained what was the true cause for our split._

_This feeling of anger and hate won't go away that easily, dear beautiful toxic of mine._

●●●

_Entry #280_

_SO PERSISTENT!!_

_They're all so persistent!!_

_What do you guys need from me anyways? I was the one left alone yet now they all chase me around as if I was the one at fault. You guys don't make any sense._

_What's more confusing is that they all come to me in tears. They keep telling me you're in the hospital. They told me you only had limited time left. Why would you be? You were never gravely sick when we dated. They must be formulating lies for me to come back to you so you can just make a fool out of me again._

_Sorry but I'm not getting fooled anymore. I'm no longer THAT desperate._

●●●

_Entry #300_

_Hey..._

_Your parents turned up at my apartment door..._

_Please tell me this is all a lie!_

_Please tell me I didn't become too much of a fool blinded by my own hatred and sadness._

_PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS NOT REALITY! THAT THIS IS ALL A DREAM!_

_I beg you._

_Please._

●●●

_Entry #313_

_I finally decided to come to your hospital room. Your parents and friends leave us alone. You smile at me with the saddest smile I've ever seen with eyes clouded by tears I know you'd rather not show me._

_Tears stain my face as I ask you why repeatedly. You said you didn't want me to suffer._ _But in the end I did._

_You told me you didn't want to see me in pain for a long time._ _But in the end I was._

_You selfishly ended things so I won't have to go through hardships for you._ _But we both know I cared for you enough that I was willing to go through anything._

_You reach out for my face, touching my cheeks gently as you smiled. You noticed how thin I got, how my features sharpened, and how much I changed ever since that day we went our separate ways. I put my hand over yours, bringing it to my heart, and letting you feel my steady heartbeat as I look straight into your eyes. Both were equally red and stained with tears._

_I come closer. You whisper "I'm sorry." I say "I love you." You answer "I love you too."  
_

_Leaning in, I kiss you after almost a year of longing. Memories come flashing through my mind as I know it does in yours. Live pinkish color against a depressing purple but nevertheless moving in the same rhythm as we took in each other's scents. Unspoken words exchanged through a kiss. Misunderstandings solved. Love confirmed once more._

_We separate. You smile once more as you say three important sentences._

_"I'm sorry. Thank you. I love you, Soonyoung."_

_I answer back and your hands suddenly go limp as soon as the words left my mouth. The machine shows a straight line. I kept shouting in denial as I took you hands once more. They were going colder as each moment passed. I call your name as I shout in despair with tears falling like a waterfall._

_Please tell me this is all a lie._

●●●

_Entry #317_

_Today's your funeral but I didn't go. I couldn't go. I have no courage. I'm just a coward as I read the journal your parents gave me in the morning before your ceremony started._

_Your handwriting that I loved and would always remember so well gave me more emotions than I could ask for. I see you also started writing when we broke up. Your words eerily similar to mine but instead of anger, hatred or desperation, you showed unending love as you ended everything with 'I love you'._

_I read your last entry several times. It was dated exactly on the morning before I went to visit you. It broke my heart and this time I knew that nothing could ever bring back all the pieces together anymore._

"Soonyoung-ah. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you. A few months before our anniversary, I was diagnosed with an incurable disease. The doctors said I only had one year at most to live. I didn't want you to suffer because of me. I wanted you to go out there and adjust to a world without me earlier so you wouldn't get a shock when I'm not here anymore. I wanted to let you go earlier but I couldn't. I loved you too much to do that. But slowly, I knew it was time to let you go.

Our anniversary came and you gave me a ring but instead of accepting it, I gave it back to you. I purposely acted cold. Put on a face you never saw and told you it was not working anymore. I wanted to tell you what I was saying were all lies but I held it all back. It was going to be better for you if you just hated me after all.

The pain I saw on your face that day is ingrained in my mind up until now. I knew you would cry and that if I saw you, I would too. So I left. I immediately left without words but as soon as I was out of your sight, I broke down. You kept calling me. It took all my strength to not answer them and go back to your arms. On a random call, I finally answered but I yelled at you then hung up as I held back my sobs and let go of all my emotions when you couldn't hear me anymore. I broke down because of my own decision. I'm so stupid, aren't I?

A few months later, a guy approached me telling me to try and date him. I said no since I'm already dying. He said it was fine and that he wanted to make me happy right before I had to go so I went out with him. We took pictures, posted them online to show people we're happy. To show you I was happy. But everything was a lie. My heart still belonged to you so he got tired of me pretending and dumped me. I didn't even care. You were the only man I cared for after all.

Then it came. I coughed up blood. Got hospitalized. I wanted to see you but I didn't want you to see me so miserable so I didn't call. My friends took the initiative instead despite my protests. I hoped and my heart sank every time they said you wouldn't budge. I said it was fine (but deep inside my heart broke). You had all the right to be angry after all. However, every time they tried, I hoped endlessly like the fool that I was.

In the end, my parents saw how much I needed you so they went to you. I'm hoping you'll see me. I don't know if you will.

If this reaches you then remember I loved you and I still do up until my last breath. 

I'm sorry for what I've done. Please forgive me.

Thank you for all that you've done for me.

I'm so sorry, my love.

I love you so much, Soonyoung.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you."

●●●

_Entry #365_

_It has been months since you left but I still remember you everyday. I read back on this journal of mine and realize how foolish and childish I was. I wish I didn't act too angry. I wish I realized things sooner. I wish I stayed by your side. I have so many wishes I want to fulfill but you're not here anymore. Regrets fill my mind but what can I do but accept what's already done._

_For the first time, I visit your grave. I brought you the flowers you liked and the food we always shared. I dug around (I'm sure to get arrested if I'm caught) before putting a box above your coffin and burying it deep once more. That box contains all our memories - our letters, our shared objects, our photographs, our gifts to one another, the ring I gave, and most importantly, our journals._

_Dear love, take this all with you and remember me as I shall always remember you. I hate to do this but I need to get back up and live my life. I know you'd be happier if I were to do that._

_I_ _won't ever forget you._

_You're the only person who has the hold to my entire heart. Who can put back all the pieces together even after it shattered into millions of fragments._

_I love you. I loved only you. I will love you forever. No once can ever replace you, my dear._

_It has been exactly one year since that incident of your lies and my depression. It was a year full of ups and downs. A year of pain and suffering. A year of pretending. A year that has been written down in this journal of mine day by day. I leave this in your care. This contains all the emotions I felt this past year._

_Treasure it with you up there, okay?_

_Goodbye, my love._

_Thank you._

_I'm sorry._

_I love you._

_I won't forget you._

**Author's Note:**

> Work transferred from Seventeen Fanfiction Amino. Originally posted on November 18, 2017.


End file.
